Earlier this week week a beautiful girl named Amanda took her own life after years of cyber and 'in real life bullying. It is a similar story to that of Pheobe Prince. She committed suicide in January 2010 after relentless bullying by her classmates. Both girls were 15, beautiful and utterly bullied to the end of their lives.
I do not know many of the details of Amanda's life and death but here is what I do know: she was a young girl who made the mistake of flashing her chest during an online chat. Someone took a screen shot and the proceeded to distribute this child pornography. The photo went viral in the local area. Amanda was cyber bullied (and likely stalked by an adult male who seemed to poison each new peer group she joined) and physically assaulted. At some point last weekend she decided that she had had enough and ended her life.
I have seen friends get angry and upset on Facebook. I have seen some people questioning the 'supervision' of Amanda's parents. And I guess that is what has prompted me to blog about this sad situation.
When I was 15 years old I 'flashed' the car of a friend. It was careless and crude and a silly indescretion. My friends and I laughed about it years later when Drew Barrymore flashed (and danced on David Letterman's desk). We reminisced about our youthful abandon and chuckled about what that same image would be today - flashing breasts from a minivan that had suckled three children and experienced the wrong end of a ruthless breast pump.
I flashed that car in 1991. My parents were active in my life, knew my friends and knew that I had a wild streak and had an issue with impulse control (see blog post about my run in with Drambuie). They educated me and provided me with resources. I had a relatively healthy peer group who were also impulse impaired rowdy teenaged girls. I grew up, completed two university degrees, started a career, married HWSNBN and had three children. I grew up relatiely unscathed from my teenage antics. They are now stories I hope my kids never hear but that I also chuckle about with friends.
That is not the world our teenagers live in today. You might think that you are an 'uber' parent and you know everything your child is doing and who they are connecting with but I am here to tell you that is not true. There is no way (unless you move to a remote part of the country and even then you better hope there is nothing evil like a public library or a Starbucks with WiFi) you can keep your children off the internet. Teenagers will always find a way. To deny them access to a computer may even be a denial of a basic way of current communication.
You will not be able to stop the impulsive girls and boys from doing things online which may be harmful to them in the future. It will always be there - a girl looking for acceptance can be talked into almost anything. Same thing for boys (hello - why do you think that gang initiations still happen?).
My job as a parent is to ensure that children know the consequences of their 'impulsive' and typical behaviour. But a bigger job is to teach them to not be a bystander, to not partake in bullying, to stand up to abhorrent behaviour. They will take these skills into adult hood (as I can assure them from experience that Asshats are everywhere). This is the job that will require them to not sink to the lowest denominator. This is the skill that will require strength and courage. They will need to have faith in themselves. They will need to be fearless.
I know that the school districts can do a better job. They can address bullying before it becomes fatal. I bet you if you interview the teachers from the elementary school where Amanda's peers transitioned through they will be able to tell you which kids they believe could be responsible for this ongoing bullying. There is no will to address this issue in the elementary / primary grades. Trust that I tried when my son was physically bullied in grades 2 & 3. There was a genuine disbelieve that children could / would bully when they are 7 & 8 years old in the school system. Most disappointing was the denied that such an event could happen from one of my sons' favourite and most skilled teacher. It is the one thing that I would change about her otherwise spotless practice as a teacher.
So that is our challenge - to be more active in our communities, to be aware of what our children are doing, not to fear correcting them when they are hurtful or thoughtless. You are not your child's friend - you are their parent and guardian which means that you have the responsibility to make sure that they are aware when their behaviour is not acceptable.
Today a wee second grader told my 4th grader that he was a nerd and laughed. I was standing right there. I took the oppourtunity to let the second grader know that it was not appropriate and that I would stop someone from saying mean things to him if I ever heard it. I told him that my son would stand up for him if someone was picking on him. He looked at my quizzically and smiled and said thank you.
Bystander - 1, wee pre bully 0. It wasn't hard, my son saw by example and wee second grader was not shamed for his comments but instead was also 'shown' how things can be different.
There are going to be bullies everywhere. Please teach and show your children how to not be bystanders but to be active in their communities. We can change the world.
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