So at the end of the summer we decide to have a female tenant. I am like a serial killer when it comes to picking out tenants - usually young men in their mid 20s with a cat. Not picky about what kind of cat - it just seems to be the winning combo for us.
But we decided to rent to a young girl in the fall. She was too young for HWSNBN (He Who Shall Not Be Named) to give the side eye too (as she would want children and that is a boner killer for any guy in his 40s with three young kids already) and she seemed reasonably nice and clean.
We allowed her to move in 2 weeks early (no rent paid) as she had lots of stuff and a piano and was having a 'hard time' with her landlord.
By mid October we notice a really shady Ford Focus with body damage and a N (new driver) magnet on the back blocking our drive way. By late October the shitty car is a fixture in our upscale neighbourhood. We go away to California and return to see the shitty car driver bringing groceries into the house.
By November we are pretty sure he is living in our suite with our 'nice' young tenant. His shitty 'ride' is parked when I get home from work at 3am but mysteriously is gone by 6am when HWSNBN leaves... curious. Does he actually have a home he returns to? Maybe he lives with his parents? And that is why she can't hang out there for their dong fests?
By the end of November I am PISSED as young sweet tenant is avoiding me. So I send her a nice little email indicating that it FEELS like her boyfriend lives here.
She fesses up and provides all the info we ask for. We meet this guy one evening in December and it comes crashing down on us that sweet little tenant is shacked up with a Class A LOSER!!!
He is 31 years old, he has a BABY with a woman whom he professed to have dated for years but she 'wasn't supposed to get pregnant' {No shit - NO ONE should get pregnant with this guy unless there are some serious beer goggles on and no pharmacy close by), he was COUCH surfing before he landed young sweet tenant, and ... drum roll... the reason why his car was gone was due to the fact that he was a newspaper delivery guy!! But never fear he has moved up to be a dry waller. In Chilliwack.
I am just staring at young sweet tenant. GOB smacked. She is cute and sweet and nice and plays the piano. She works hard at two jobs and drives a cute wee car. HWSNBN is utterly bewildered.
Cue the end of December. We agree that they will move out March 1st (did I mention the suite is only 500 square feet big??? and I psychotically stated in the ad on craigslist only ONE person to reside here?). I start to smell POT coming through the vents.
I have had bad cooking tenants (loved you Trevor but sometimes it smelt like you were sauteeing cat food) so I can tell the difference. There are no skunks in the hood close by and I have never smelt their spray in the cul de sac. I KNOW this is weed. Add in MUCHO work experience and I can pick weed out of a line up.
First time we let it go. Young Sweet Tenant is not home. It happens AGAIN. I call her on her cell phone. She explains that she is not home. I ask her to kindly remind FuckTard that it is a non smoking suite and will he kindly smoke his junk elsewhere. Like the park where all the other losers hang out.
So tonight when I smelt the pot in the family room and my son's room (did I mention that the suite vents into our third floor and specifically into my 6 year old sons room???) I put my clogs on and went downstairs to kick some ass.
Initially Andrew 'I'm Such a Goof I Can't Mature Past 16' denies that he smoked pot, then admitted to rolling it in the suite. I must at this point tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP as I have a 6 year old with the munchies which tells me that he is doing more than rolling it. He again tries to deny it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I kindly tell Andrew to STOP talking before this gets really ugly. I explain in NO uncertain terms (although he is a goof so who knows how much he actually understands what with the girlfriend that he was banging yet can't understand how she got pregnant) that he is to cease and desist bringing pot into our home. End of story.
If we have to talk about this again it will be with the RCMP at my side to keep the peace so I don't kick him till he stops moving. My 6 years old is losing brain cells and I am on weight watchers and have little will power left to stop myself from kicking this guy till he is dead.
Time to put on the tap shoes and let the dogs nails grow too long and let the kids play BeyBlades in the kitchen. Soccer cleats in the kicthen which is above the love nest - of course young ones - CLOG ON!!
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